The Heartless

A new city, a new life, new friends and new people to fall for. It seemed Strange and unusual to me that for 5 straight years I had lived a mechanical life, with no emotions and no craving for love. But since the day I had returned to this city I had been feeling lost. Loneliness had become a part time friend and the need for a company had doomed me.

At times, sitting alone on my chair with my dim laptop screen, thought crossed my mind if it was I who was staring the screen or was it the screen that was staring back at me.

Similarly, my phone, which consisted of the world on my finger tips, yet I felt alone. I would scroll toward the end of stories on Twitter and feel lost. After that similarly I would scroll down to the deep ends of Facebook feeds but nothing interesting, and next I would go through the fake lives of people on Instagram, which of course did not help. And next it would be Snapchat or Tumblr, or Reddit, or even 9gag which always did make me feel I was not alone, but the fake good feeling only lasted for a limited cycle.

Next I would message people or friends or just humans who I cared, and waited. Some replied, some ignored. But still to keep myself amused I did what I could to get human contact. I would tire myself watching classical films to comic to disturbing and so on, still I would feel as if a heavy stone was tied to my chest and was weighing me down.

Some considered me to be a fortunate person in a lot of senses. I never knew why. Though I had no reason to be unhappy, but I still felt the sharp pangs of unhappiness from time to time. Listening to music would feel tiring to my ears, reading books would betray me sometimes. And finally..... Finally when there was none other activity left. I prayed. I always prayed to fulfill my desires, but they were ever fulfilled. I let it be, I came to conclusions that desires were just an acute peice of imagination. But the heart never accepted it.

Next I prayed for peace, patience, company, strength but nothing came easily. Sliding down the Rocky Mountain of life I prayed for love, still nothing. From the materialistic to spiritual journey I still felt void. Initially no reason in particular. But with the continuous failing and falling I came to accept that the One to whom I prayed was indeed a Heartless one.

Yes. Heartless. I tried to be heartless like him, so to keep and take myself away from the perils of being sad, still it didn't work. Days in days out I tried to show apathy. Apathy towards people, towards emotion. Towards the single person for whom my infatuation was turning into love. But I could not. I was still lonely, which would not be that bad but still unhappy for no reason.

I am still here in my room where darkness surrounds me, with the continued load-shedding and frequent power cuts. I sit and think for a reason to be sad. There is one, but my mind is too scared to acknowledge it. I want to betray my mind into thinking all is good. Whereas in reality I'm just nobody.

After repeating the drill of checking Facebook Twitter and other mediums of false communication. I try spiritual communication and feel the same. I send messages to people making myself a fool and realise that is it not working either.

The last resort is praying to the heartless God, but since he is heartless he would not listen or pay any heed, but hope keeps me go back to this HeartlessGod.

Wish I was as heartless as Him. Or as heartless as the person who I would like to love. Or as heartless as the stone which depicts the God.

But I can't. My heart is weak, fragile. Does not say No.

Sleep. I try to sleep. Close my eyes and think nothing but thoughts they flow like someone slashes a human throat and there flow the stream of blood. Red and thick.

I sit in my chair lost or lay on my bed staring somewhere far off. My mind jumps to the person of interest. I pick my phone to text her, only to realise that I was wasting time. Instead I text my friends only to get a reply after hours when the feeling has subsided. The stupendous efforts I make to find company, the length I go to make people happy, or even the false apathy I show off to make myself feel better. All seems to go in vain.

Everything goes to vain and I sit there only to realise that this is the reality of this city. Loneliness, false promises, blank hearts, and above all the heartless ones.

The Heartless One - in this darkness when there is nothing to do, or no one to speak to I feel her thoughts crawling into my heart and even the brain, I suppress the love that I feel. Suppress it because nothing hurts more than loving someone who does not love you back. In the end it's better to be heartless and transpose the darkness in the city to your heart. To avoid any further emotional and mental pain.

And to make sure you are able to do that, it's always better to remember that the Almighty one is also a Heartless One.