The Long Weekend - 1

Weekend was here, and it seemed to drift away quickly than usual. The dull Friday evening had no good stored for me. I had come down from work and sat in my chair, the empty house was breathing and in the distant I could hear children playing and teenagers having a laugh. I thought about this whole 3 day weekend and decided to do something interesting. The fatigue had taken its grip on me and I felt it closing on me as well, I decided to message a few friends here and there thinking someone or the other would be free to hang out. Unfortunately my best friends which were only two, were gone to their respective countries to meet their parents.

Suddenly a feeling descent upon me of being a loser, a person without family, without friends, without a life partner or a companion. The whole point of my existence seemed to be a joke, and the cold death presented itself as the most attractive medicine. I decided to pray for a bit to calm myself down. I had thought at times, especially 3 months ago when I was hospitalised and three more months prior to that I had a rock steady believe and not even for a second I had stopped praying. But, everything worked out with a delayed affect and slowness of a tortoise. Something that I had prayed years ago had just come true recently.

The charm of that desire, the flame and the enthusiasm to that particular desire had shrunken and disappeared. When I finally achieved it, I felt it was just dull, though it would have been great at that time, but now it was just dull. Over-thinking this I felt prayer had not acted into this at all, the results were just due to my continued effort and stubbornness to achieve it. However with years minds change along with hearts so the desires change as well, just as people. Though achieved it but it was useless and charmless.

As I was praying my mind kept on wandering to the last six months, reviewing about my existence and I felt I could not concentrate. So I stopped and decided that as per the experiences it was all bogus. For a moment I felt scared to think that way, but I realised it was bogus. Prayers said in your heart or through your mouth or in a group they never had the desired affect.

Loneliness can give birth to some weird thoughts. These vivid thoughts can brainwash you in a matter of seconds and they can also make you a vegetable. A strange thought lingering, wandering somewhere in a tiny part of my brain. I dare not to think of it, but it itches when I try to ignore it. I feel it crawling in the tiny veins of my brain, I can feel it scooting through the moist blood vessels making its way towards somewhere. I try to shut the thought, but I am not able to do so. I feel anguish building inside me, and I pray to get rid of that thought coming towards my heart, or in any way effecting my soul. I try to distract myself by thinking of the new girl who had just arrived from some foreign land to live with her relatives, I think of chatting her up, not that I was interested in her, and she seemed a person that would never be interested in a person like me. Still imagination and thoughts have no limits so I started planning to go down and just have a general talk, but, the tiny thought inside my brain had managed to crawl out off its shell and it presented itself. All the emotions with the prayers not being answered and the confusion with, "if the God existed or not" that evil thought had presented itself. The thought had converted itself into words and then sentences. The thought had taken a shape of an idea, but it was still changing itself into words and sentences, and the more I tried to shut it down the more catalytic reaction it had. I felt helpless, I did not want to think in that manner whatsoever. The thought had taken its shape in my mind and I felt it coming to my tongue. The evening light was drastically dying, along with the children laughter, and the teenagers playing in the backyard. I had no control over my feelings. The evil thought said something which I was Unsuccessful to ignore it.

I opened my eyes and felt this was the most terrible thing I could not think of, suicide, not an option. It was a cold option without any fun and looking further to this was just ridiculous.

I opened my eyes and felt I was cold irrespective of May's beautiful weather. I decided to keep the coat on and go down to meet the new girl just to wander my mind off. But the thought had been engraved in my mind like an eight ft wall built underground, which cannot be destroyed any more, and all that was written over the wall was the forbidden thought, which said:

Suicide is the man's way of telling God.